My friends, my habits, my family

I'm in love, and I am dreaming of the future

Thu, 04 Jun 2009 22:34:31 GMT

I am so confused, but I know I have said this alot, but I am going back here to write i can't write anything anywhere lese without people finding out, so here I am.

I have a SOOOOO much going on since the last time I talked and I know I am going to get new journal friends, but I can be totally honest here, as long as Pual doesn't find it, but he doesn't have internet access, he doesn't know about this website and mos5t the really bad one a friends only anyway. So haha.

OK, so here it goes. Paul wants me to have his baby, and I really do want to do it. i love him and I have never wanted to have children with anyone else, I guess what I fear, besides not having alot of money is leaving my comfy home. I want to have a nice home when me and Paul move in with each other, with food in the fridge and TV and cable and a phone you know, the stuff that makes you feel homey. And I really, really want to mary him. I don't want to live with him for years and never get married. My dream is to have a wedding with a fun party and a dress on my that makes Paul cry when he sees me. I know I said before I liked Jason and I miss him so much as a friend but in all I was drawn to him because I could vent to him and he could make me laugh. I hope maybe one day we can be friends again, but anyway back to the other stuff. OK in all honesty I want to get engaged, I want a family, I want a future with each other forever. I know I am suppoed to be with him. hes my soulmate. I just worry that he doesn't want to do that I know that I could get family to help with the costs of the wedding and help wit the baby. I can't believe that I am feeling this way. I never thougt I'd find someone who I wanted to have kids with and marry, but Pual makes me feel like I can't even explain. I hope that one day soon, he wants the same things that I want. Well I know he does but I don't want to do it today or anything but within the next year. I just want us to start5 our forever with each other. I know that he is where I am supposed to be. he is amazing to be and the best person I have ever met. I just hope all my dreams come true.

Sun, 08 Jul 2007 21:51:33 GMT

It's been a very long time since I've written here, partly because I don't have much access to the internet, partly because I've been too wrapped up in MySpace, partly because for a long time coming here reminded me of a part of my life I didn't really want to remember. Now here I am updating this journal. Partly because I have gained somewhat good access to the internet, partly because I got so attached to my MySpace that I now can't really update it without fear that I'll get someone pissed off for my being too honest, and partly because that part of my life I want to forget doesn't ever seem to leave me alone anymore.

Plus I'm trying to turn my life around. I've been pff of heroin for 25 days now and unlike the other times when I quit I really want to stay clean this time. Before I wanted to want to get clean but deep in my heart I knew it wasn't time. I was still having too much fun. Now that no longer rings true. I can say truthfully now that I don't want to use anymore. I like being able to say that.

I still won't be updating everyday I don't have access to the internet every day but about once a week you'll hear from me :o)

MySpace

Wed, 31 May 2006 14:01:55 GMT

Anyone who has a MySpace tell me about it so I can add you there too :)

www.myspace.com/imfallingnow

I remember.......

Tue, 30 May 2006 09:06:07 GMT

I miss everything I used to be.

Does anyone know where I can find the me I lost 3 years ago or so?

Does anyone even remember that me, but me?

Why am I awake at 5AM thinking about these things?

Its sad that when I hear those lyrics "Where did you go? I miss you so?" I think about myself.

Why don't I say these things to the people I really mean them for instead of posting them in this vast wasteland called the internet?

Why?

Just why?

Addiction....

Sat, 06 May 2006 05:04:23 GMT

I'm so sick and tired of so many thingss right now. I'm sick and tired of struggling with my addiction day after day and I'm tired of not being able to ever talk about it on things like this because people who don't know about it will judge or find out. I'm tired of keeping it all in because its going to swallow me up whole if I keep doing it. I'm tired of not knowing what to do about it anymore. I'm tired of the fact that something has more power over myself than I do. I'm tired of adding up "days sober". I'm tired of mother spoon calling me home. I'm tired of the fact that being tired makes me want to use. I'm tired of being an addict.

They tell me that I'll struggle with this everyday of my life. Hearing that makes all the days seem an eternity long.

I want to rip the hair out of my head, fall on the floor and sob. I want to stop HEARING about my problem from everyone and start talking about it. I want people who don't get it to stop saying they do. I want sober and clean to be simple and easy. I want to stop fighting this battle because it seems like I can't win so many times. I won today and yesterday but what if I don't win tomorrow.

My name is Christina and I am an addict and I am fucking sick of it.
My name is Christina and I have plenty of "sober time" but heroin consumes my every thought now.

My name is Chirstina and I'm just sick of it.

Sat, 18 Mar 2006 20:58:29 GMT

I felt in needed to drop a quick line that I'm still here and OK. I've got internet access to an extent now so hopefully updates will happen more often. I'm in a rush right now but if I still have time when I'm finished with my other things I'll do a better update.