Shame In Christina ([info]shameinyou) wrote,
@ 2006-05-06 00:52:00
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Current location:Keri's house
Current mood: silly

Addiction....
I'm so sick and tired of so many thingss right now. I'm sick and tired of struggling with my addiction day after day and I'm tired of not being able to ever talk about it on things like this because people who don't know about it will judge or find out. I'm tired of keeping it all in because its going to swallow me up whole if I keep doing it. I'm tired of not knowing what to do about it anymore. I'm tired of the fact that something has more power over myself than I do. I'm tired of adding up "days sober". I'm tired of mother spoon calling me home. I'm tired of the fact that being tired makes me want to use. I'm tired of being an addict.

They tell me that I'll struggle with this everyday of my life. Hearing that makes all the days seem an eternity long.

I want to rip the hair out of my head, fall on the floor and sob. I want to stop HEARING about my problem from everyone and start talking about it. I want people who don't get it to stop saying they do. I want sober and clean to be simple and easy. I want to stop fighting this battle because it seems like I can't win so many times. I won today and yesterday but what if I don't win tomorrow.

My name is Christina and I am an addict and I am fucking sick of it.
My name is Christina and I have plenty of "sober time" but heroin consumes my every thought now.

My name is Chirstina and I'm just sick of it.


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[info]419
2006-05-06 12:39 pm UTC (link)
It will get better.

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[info]shameinyou
2006-05-06 10:24 pm UTC (link)
I can only hope so....

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[info]419
2006-05-07 12:41 am UTC (link)
It does. And it will always be on your mind, but it won't always be as bad as it is now. I haven't done coke in over a year, and while not a day goes by when I don't think about doing it - I still dream about it and wake up tasting acetone - it IS better. One day you'll be able to look back and think, "Jesus Christ, I was fucked up. I'm so glad I'm better now."

Do you have any support in this at all? I'm here if you need someone to talk to. <3

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[info]shameinyou
2006-05-07 12:46 am UTC (link)
I have some support, but not as much as I need. I don't really have anyone who understands who isn't still using. It'd be nice to have someone like you to talk to who understands and is actually clean.

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[info]419
2006-05-07 12:47 am UTC (link)
You can IM me - AIM = jouwish, or e-mail me - stealthisusername@hotmail.com :)

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[info]lucyrachel
2006-05-07 06:30 am UTC (link)
I won't pretend that I "get it," but I want you to know that you're in my thoughts and I believe that you can beat this thing. If you ever want to vent, I would be more than happy to be a non-judgmental listening ear. My email and AIM screenname are in my profile. *hugs*

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[info]shameinyou
2006-05-20 02:25 pm UTC (link)
:o)

Thank you Lucy. Words like that mean so much to me, and I know I can do this. I'm going to slip and fall, I have slipped and fell but I'm back clean again and this time I'm going to take all my conusling and whatnot seriously and work hard at it. I'm also living back at my dads which should help.

*hugs back*

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[info]n0_excuses
2006-05-07 11:47 pm UTC (link)
Christina. I love you very much! (which is odd, because we've never met! haha) I cannot relate to your situation, but I can empathize. One crucial part to getting over this is thinking positive. Looking ahead as to how many days of life you have left with a feeling of foreboding is not going to help -- it's overwhelming. Rather, just take it one day at a time.

I know you can beat this, and if you ever need to vent, you know how to contact me.

Take care of yourself. *hugs/kisses*
-Andrea

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[info]megamania
2006-05-08 02:19 pm UTC (link)
i can sort f relate to your struggle because i have an addiction as well and its hard to not think about it and its hard to not obsess over it and its soo hard that no one else can ever really understand what your going through. but all you have to keep thinkign is that its whats best for you. and in the end it will make you happier. your so young you dont want to die yet. keep fighting thiings will get easier. much love.

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